Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
