it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
