i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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