I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Oh god it's open bar.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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