dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
