its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
