Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
