Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
