Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I am midnight drunk by noon
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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