you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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