I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings