i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
