I just made out with a guy for $7.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
