dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator