census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
