omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
