Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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