i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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