Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
