just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
