while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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