So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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