The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
