SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
