So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
