Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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