I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize