yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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