I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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