I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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