Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
