Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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