Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
