I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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