I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
this is an emotional support booty call
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
