saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
