I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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