If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
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So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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