btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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