he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
