About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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