Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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