porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Dear god my vagina.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
