I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
