Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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