How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
