Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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