my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
