do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
