i think i scared a bird with my dick
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
