Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
