take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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