Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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