My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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