On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
