I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
