she woke up with a sticky ear
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
