According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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