Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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