hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I FOUND THE LEGS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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